Goodbye Brett: The New Nemesis

Posted: September 29, 2008 in football, life
Tags: , ,

Every interesting character has their nemesis.  Superman has Lex Luthor, Batman has Joker, Captain Kirk has Khan, and I’ve had Brett Favre.  Well it’s been a really solid relationship for about fifteen years now.  Brett would throw the passes and I would hope for an interception.  Brett would be sacked and I’d hope for a career ending injury.  Brett would beat the Bears and I’d hope for next year.  Allas, despite the consistancy we’ve enjoyed over the past decade and a half, all things must come to an end.  And so it is that Brett Favre is no longer my arch nemesis.  I know this must be hard for some of you to take.  My consuming animosity for him, and his completely oblivious attitude towards me have been one of the few consistancies that have lasted more than half my life.  It’s not just that he’s moved on to New York, although that certainly did change things, things are just different now.

There’s a new nemesis in town, quite litterally in town.  As defensive co-ordinator for the Swift Current Plumbing and Heating Golden Gophers, I have had the arduous duty of coaching against a guy who’s name starts with “L” and rhymes with tavern for the past two years.  Rarely in my life have I ever encountered a grown man who could whine incessantly to this extent.  I’m not sure if it’s a skill he’s developed over his lifetime or it’s just an inate gift but next sunday I’m going to bring along a tiny violin and box of kleenex I can offer him.  In four tries this year the Gophers have yet to beat the Jaguars and I hate losing to this guy.  These are eleven and twelve year olds who have been playing football for as little as a month for some of them and if it were up to him I think there’d be a flag for illegal procedure on every play we run and every hit our kids make would be whistled for unnecessary roughness.  Most of these kids don’t even know what illegal procedure is.  If you gave them a multiple choice question they’d probably answer : C. – “abuse by a surgeon”.  And yet he feels it necessary to whine in the volunteers refs ears on every play and generally blame any adversity on cheating or a blown call.

Don’t get me wrong, Brett Favre will always have a special dark corner in my heart, but he’s only a memory now.  My conscious and unconscious football angst has a new mulleted (I know it’s probably not a word) target.  Stay tuned for the results of round five on Sunday.


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