The Ecstasy and the Agony

Posted: March 7, 2010 in church, life, religion
Tags: , ,

Somedays life is complicated.  Somedays I would love to be able to flip open my laptop and dump everything that I’ve gone through here for the world to wallow in with me.  Somedays, I can.  Somedays, I’m pretty sure about the only thing that will keep me from bursting is to exploded upon these digital pages.  It’s not always a thing of editorial beauty, but often it’s very weakness is it’s own beauty.  The ability to be vulnerable if even in a guarded digital sense.  But . . .

. . . Unfortunately this same medium is also the one that I can’t make full use of either.  The things that consume my thoughts the most, that keep me awake at night, that I stew over and pour myself into like tap into a perforated water bottle; it’s these things that I can never share.  The one place to give a glimmer into my life for those on the outside and the one place to seek the potential counsel of the other, is the one place I cannot share about the things I most deeply want to share about for those exact reasons.

Pastoring is a often a funny and fickle business.  Being looked to for constant advice and being sought out to solve problems while you rarely have the opportunity to seek the same ministering graces.  Without being able to share any details or even give a generic outline of the place I find myself in, I have to carry the burden of my work alone in many ways.  Without sounding dismissive; I know that I have a God I can rely on who knows my burdens better than I know my own, but it would often be nice to be able to drop the iron curtain I have to carry around my actual thoughts and to retire the seven second delay which sensors the vast majority of words and thoughts I can share with the public and just be totally open and honest with the people around me regarding why I sometimes seem preoccupied and distant.  It’s not because I lack a heart, but because mine is so overwhelmed with the breaking hearts of others.

The blogging life expresses I think both the agony and ecstasy of the life of the pastor – finally a medium with which to share your life and thoughts with the world and your congregation, and a medium in which you still have very little real freedom to actually do so.  I might sound a little depressed, but honestly, if I weren’t feeling a little agonized right now I think there may truly be a case for saying I don’t have a heart. ;-]

P.S. – Thanks to Jon for the Bon Iver music recommendation.  It got me through the night and I managed to listen to it right through as I typed.  Beautiful, haunting, stuff.

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Comments
  1. Nice to see a man of religion so openly express fragility and doubt. And also so openly love what some describe as ‘secular music’. Bon Iver is great, so are a million other non-Christian bands. (PS I’m not a Christian, but I do enjoy reading about people with faith – perhaps I’m jealous??!)

    Like

  2. jonkramer says:

    Yeah, you’ve got to find some human release I think – but the internets just isn’t the place.
    I’ve got my SPN pastor friends to dialogue with – which often helps – but the solo pastor thing is just a bad idea, me thinks.
    Also, Bon Iver’s got an EP – not as epic as For Emma, but still some pretty good tunes.
    Give me a shout if you want to AO2 this week.

    Like

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