Posts Tagged ‘Obituary’

It seems as though the past few months have been a time destined for letting go of the old and moving on to new things.  From divesting myself of a rickety smartphone (Motorla Q9c) and investing in my Samsung Omnia, to seeing the retirement of my senior pastor (he’s missed far more than the Moto Q9c) and taking on many of his duties, to the untimely death of Sharp Microwave and the ushering in of it’s replacement, it has been a time of change around here.

Just when I thought the changes had finally settled down though, our family suffered yet another loss this week: the lawn sprinkler.  I guess you’d really only call it a loss though if you will miss the object which is gone.  Unlike Sharp Microwave – who was a dear friend to the whole family – Oscillating Lawn Sprinkler was often the bane of my existence.  It’s inefficient and leaky ways always left me feeling like I was getting soaked in the deal.  It took as much water as it could, but despite it’s apparent “settings wheel” it would never really take instruction well.  In fact despite constant correction it usually watered my sidewalk and patio more than my lawn.  I had been considering ending our relationship for some time now, but – being the gracious person I am – always thought that maybe next time it would finally get it right.

The last straw came on Tuesday night.  The evening started of as it usually did with Oscillating Lawn Sprinkler curmudgeonly fighting against it’s settings and being too lazy to actually alternate spraying the right and then left sides of the lawn, and instead opting just to stick in one direction.  Finally, after much tough love, I was able to “convince” it to start going from one side to the other again.  Alas when I came out two hours later it became quite apparent that Oscillating Lawn Sprinkler had decided to go back to its one-sided ways shortly after I left the scene.  It likely thought I would graciously forgive again after a short conversation, but it was mistaken: its day of reckoning had finally come.  That night I declared that it had had it’s last chance and that, “Tomorrow I’ll buy a replacement”.  It stayed that night on the lawn: the last night it would see on my green earth.

Being a man of my word I went the next day to Walmart and forged a new friendship with this brown and yellow beauty.  With more jets than I could count and a promise of “25% increased efficiency” we hit it off right away.  After paying I took the new sprinkler back to my yard and introduced Oscillating Lawn Sprinkler to it’s replacement.  I think it was so shocked that it didn’t say a word.  So I just unhooked it from it’s hose of four years and attached it’s replacement.  I made a clean break and it felt good.

Rather than fighting and making a big scene of it though, Oscillating Lawn Sprinkler just slinked away on to the black top.  Maybe it thought that in it’s retirement it could just hang on to a spot somewhere in the garage and while away it’s years in retirement.  I considered it for a moment, but knew that letting it hang around wouldn’t be healthy or productive for either of us so I did the only thing I could do: I dumped it . . . in the garbage can in the alley.

Good riddance foul implement of water wastefulness and much agony.  My life and the lives of my family are far better off without you in them.


Sharp Microwave became a member of the Kramer family in June of 2003.  It weighed in at about 30 lbs, and was silver in colour.  It quickly became an integral part of the family life in the Kramer household as it worked hard day in and day out preparing food and drinks for the Kramer’s and their guests.  It rarely let them down although it did make its labours more than well known on some occasions as it emitted loud grinding noises.  These soon became part of its charm though as it was discovered that the groans of agony could be easily eleviated with a gentle, but firm, love tap on its side.

Sharp Microwave, or “Nuker” as it became known as, saw the Kramer family through many different stages of life being a faithful stalwart through them all.  From early married life with it’s many microwaved dinners, through more moves and remodels than this author cares to count.  It even remained steadfastly with the family through the weird oatmeal stage.  It saw them through the arrival of the first child and all the baby food, formula, and bottles to this day it warmed thoroughly and faithfully.  It even managed to have a role to play in the warming of the first bottle of the newest member of the Kramer family only a week ago.  Unfortunately this would be its first and last role to play in the life of this new bundle of joy in the Kramer lineage.

Alas, on this day, Wednesday, March 10, 2010, “Nuker” finally irradiated its last stick of margarine.  It seemed like a morning like any morning and no one in the Kramer family had premonition of the carnage that was to befall their faithful culinary companion.  Shortly after the start button was pushed fireworks nigh unto the brightness of a thousand supernovas and a stench as heinous as burning hair filled the Kramer kitchen.  At first shock and disbelief filled the household.  Sure Sharp Microwave’s display had been starting to fade and burn out over the past number of months, but it was surely just natural aging and nothing to be concerned about.  However, what had just happened before their eyes left nothing to the speculation.  After a few frantic moments trying to determine what had just happened, it was decided that “Nuker” deserved one more try before life support would be pulled.  The door was opened, twenty seconds were placed on the timer and the start was again nervously and tenderly pushed.  This however only confirmed the worst, Sharp had finally proven it could no longer function.  At approximately 8:15am this morning it was decided by the Kramer family that they should pull the plug.

With heavy hearts, as the children and wife watched Little Einsteins in the other room, “Nuker” was escorted to its final resting place in the alley and a replacement from Walmart was put in its familiar place on the counter.

Oh Sharp Microwave, it feels like we just met and already you’re gone.  Thankyou for all the good years old friend.  We may be able to buy a new microwave, but we can never replace you.

Final Resting Place

Final Resting Place